There is much ado about AI and the opportunities and threats it presents. One critical component of machine learning is the way that AI learns from feedback. It gets smarter every time we engage with it.
Humans also have an opportunity to learn from feedback, but often the process of seeking and receiving it leaves much to be desired. We are still human, after all, with feelings and biases and differing levels of comfort with difficult conversations. Nevertheless, I truly believe that feedback has a better chance of conveying useful information, and being received as such, if we apply some thought to it in advance. I will present a series of blog posts about feedback based on information I have gleaned on the topic to help make feedback more than another “F-word”.
In this post, I will focus on how to prepare yourself to receive feedback.
It’s important to know yourself and your likely reactions before you ask for feedback. This can help you manage your responses in the moment so that you can absorb as much information as possible. Preparation can also help you avoid destructive rumination afterwards because it puts what you have heard, and how you feel about it, in perspective.
Think of a time when you received feedback, either positive or negative. What were your physical and emotional reactions? Are these reactions generally consistent whenever you receive feedback, or a particular type of feedback? Notice any patterns, as these can help you better understand how you are feeling when you might otherwise feel overwhelmed or tuned out. Many of these habits may be subconscious.
For example:
Does your mind filter out feedback you do not wish to hear and focus only on what you do wish to hear? Or single out the one negative point in an otherwise positive review?
Does your pulse start racing when you receive constructive criticism?
Do you shut down at the slightest hint of negative feedback and stop hearing what is being said?
Do you recoil at the suggestion that you might be able to improve? Or conversely, abandon your skills and talents immediately?
Do you fully accept negative feedback and berate yourself over your imperfections?
Does your mind react defensively to any hint of criticism? Do you attack (internally) the feedback-giver to discredit their comments?
How does positive feedback land with you? How long do you let it sit in your consciousness? Are you suspicious of it, fearing the “crap sandwich”?
If you know you might get upset in the moment, you need to prepare yourself to avoid having an emotional reaction during the conversation because crying during a feedback conversation is a great way to never have another one with that person.
Think now about when you like to receive feedback:
Do you prefer it to be closely connected in time to the work or event in question?
Do you appreciate having advance notice of these conversations?
Would you prefer to have feedback delivered to you in written form, in advance of a discussion?
Do you want public or private praise for a job well done?
In your deepest heart of hearts, do you actually want to hear about things that could improve, or are you just hoping for affirmation?
Knowing why you are seeking feedback and what you truly hope to gain is important. If you tell someone you just want them to affirm your effort, that is at least honest. Having a specific question for the person you are asking for feedback is also helpful, as is seeking feedback on a timely basis. For example, “how have I been performing this year?” is a vague question which will get a vague answer. Try instead “what were two things about the report I drafted that you appreciated? What were two things I can do better next time?” Or “Did the ____ you asked me to prepare do the job you had intended? Was it useful? How could it have been more useful?” This is an easier question for a feedback-giver to answer, as it is not personal but rather speaks to how your efforts did or did not meet the mark. Remember too that looking backwards can yield a lot of self-blame and hopelessness. Looking forward, asking how something can be even better the next time, gives the other person a way to offer suggestions that are less about critiquing your performance and more about setting you up for success.
At the end of the day, ask for feedback only if you truly want it. It takes time and effort for people to provide feedback to you, and they want to know that their efforts are appreciated.
