I love comedy. In another life, I might have pursued a career as a stand-up comedian. In this life, I simply enjoy the artistry of talented comedians like Mike Birbiglia. In his 2013 album “My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend”, Birbiglia starts by telling the audience that his strong belief that he is right often creates tension when he is arguing with other people. The tension, he says, stems from the fact that he is right. While Birbiglia’s line produces a laugh, it also speaks great truth about how we feel about our position in a conflict. Rarely do we embrace, or even consider, the idea that another person’s point of view may be justified, or that the person holding a different belief may be as thoughtful as we are.
Take the example of a recent wrongful dismissal mediation where the employer held fast to its position that it had acted in the best interests of the company. After three hours, the mediator asked the employer representative how he would have felt if his daughter had been terminated while she was on maternity leave. The employer representative, who (as the mediator knew), had recently become a grandfather, quickly changed his position and resolved the matter at a respectful level of settlement.
The mediation example demonstrates how easy it is to artificially distance ourselves from those with whom we disagree. We are quick to vilify or attack them for holding their particular view. Having “othered” the person so completely, we free ourselves from any responsibility to think of them as a fellow human being. The result is that we decide, prematurely, not to engage with someone on the basis of a difference in opinion. We thus lose the opportunity to expand our own knowledge by learning from those who have different - and valid - experiences and perspectives.
Moreover, when we close our minds to others’ perspectives, we do so to the potential detriment of our own arguments. There may be some truth in another person’s attacks on our reasoning. If we can move away from the visceral reaction of jumping to defend ourselves, we may learn something about our point of view, its frailties, and the potential for a shift in thinking that might better reflect our beliefs. At a minimum, we can identify and improve weaknesses in our position, just as we can improve our contributions to the workplace by learning from, rather than disagreeing with, a negative performance assessment.
I remember being in court early in my litigation career and receiving what seemed like a harsh rebuke from the judge. In the moment, I chose to listen carefully to what she was saying and receive it as helpful career guidance dressed up as criticism - a sheep in wolf’s clothing. I modified my approach to correct my mistake, and felt grateful for the intervention by a person who could just as easily have left me to flounder. Had I instead taken umbrage at her comments, or worse, become defensive, I would have missed an opportunity to learn and improve.
It is all too easy to reside in echo chambers where everyone agrees with our point of view. However, if we wish to grow in our thinking, and improve our reasoning, we must make room for other perspectives. By intentionally engaging with points of view that we regard as wrongheaded, we expand our understanding of those positions and the ways in which our own arguments may be lacking. An argument developed in a vacuum is bound to lose. Put differently, if you know you are right, you probably are not.
In the coming weeks, watch this space for articles I think are interesting, viewpoints I think are worth sharing, and maybe the odd joke or two.
I look forward to your comments and suggestions, with the request that all comments use respectful language. I reserve the sole discretion to remove any comments or posts which do not adhere to this standard.