(5 minute read)

TL;DR: When someone at work asks for additional support, by giving them what is requested, we give them the tacit validation that they know what they need and their judgment is valued. When we instil value in others, they receive it as empowerment, which they apply to their work. Even a “no” can be validating if a person feels understood.

While we may not always think of acting as a job, it does require time, skill, and hard work. At the Emmy Awards on September 22, 2019, Michelle Williams offered a rare insight into the effort actors expend to perfect their performances. Accepting the Emmy Award for her role in Fosse/Verdon, Williams thanked her “bosses” for believing her when she said she needed more dancing lessons, more singing lessons, and a different set of false teeth (!) Williams described these things as costly, but necessary for her to do her job. Judging by the Emmy win, she was right.

What really moved me, however, was the connection Williams drew between the “yes” to her requests and the feeling of empowerment she experienced. In a powerful moment in her acceptance speech, Williams explained how we value people when we trust them to understand their own needs. When so valued, a person can connect with their own inherent value, and put that value into their work. It is a strikingly simple concept: believe that a person knows how to do their job - even if what they think differs from your own views - and watch them flourish.

Ideally, you can say “yes” to most requests. However, there may be times when saying “yes” is more difficult, or change requires buy-in from many others. In such circumstances, there is still an opportunity to value someone by listening to, and trying to understand the interests behind, the request.

I delivered a workshop for a group of professionals about how to use the principles of negotiation to strengthen work relationships and build resilience. One take-away for the group was that even if a request is difficult to meet, or is outside your control, listening and understanding someone’s point of view can be helpful.

Sometimes a person may only be able to express frustration about the status quo and demand a change. To get beyond the frustration to what is truly at issue, leaders must practice active listening, asking questions, paraphrasing, and most importantly, listening with the aim of understanding rather than refuting. Even if you cannot supply the requested item, demonstrating understanding may go a long way to building trust and renewing engagement. Perhaps equally importantly, you can learn what the person does NOT need - more donuts in the break room might not be the right salvo for low office morale if people are trying to cut back on sugar.

The next time someone complains about a problem at work, or asks for something to change, think about whether the validation of a “yes” is possible to give. If it does not seem possible to give a full “yes”, you may find that through listening and asking questions, you can uncover other options. Most importantly, by taking the time to hear more about the request, you will convey to the person asking that they are a valued member of the team.